Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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