It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
