An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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