Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
