I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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