If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
