fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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