I just cut my nipple shaving
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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