im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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