I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
