my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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