I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
