thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
