what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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