So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
