Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
