i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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