I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Randomize
