i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize