just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
