Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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