May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
