slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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