Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
