If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
