i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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