im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
