There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
