so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
