I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
