My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
