I cockslap morals
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
