Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
