i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
