She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
