i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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