pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
