You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
