You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
