I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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