phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
