just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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