I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize