for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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