shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
