If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
