I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
