I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
