I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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