Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize