On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Found the puke drawer
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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