I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
