If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
