Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
