I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
