You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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