another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
