the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
