Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
